i’m (not) fine.

I’m positive my cause of death will be me saying, “I’m fine,” when I’m really not fine.

My dad actually teases me because I say it so often. He pinches me and says sarcastically, “I know, Molly. Everything’s fine.” It’s pretty accurate though considering I continued to drive my car with the steering wheel shaking and smoke steaming from the hood because I’d convinced myself that yes, everything’s fine.

This Sunday though, I mentally broke down on the side of the road. I was not fine. And it took a true friend like Jenna to notice it before I did. I don’t know how she could tell—maybe it was the way I quickly responded or maybe it was the way I looked off into the clouds every now and then. Whatever it was, Jenna knew, and she wasn’t going to let me keep going like that.

Jenna gently tapped the crack in my heart and it shattered—spilling everything I had shoved so tightly inside right there at the table in front of Dunn Bros Coffee shop.

I cried.

And not the gentle kind you can simply wipe away with your wrist; it was the uncontrollable kind that forces you to squint and cough choking noises because of the lump in your throat. It’s the kind you feel all the way to the bottom of your feet. The kind that feels like it will never end. The kind that makes your whole body weak when you finally do finish.

But after my tears had dried and left streaks down my cheeks, I felt a little lighter. I could see just a little clearer. It was like the crack in my heart was meant to be opened so it could be filled with something better.

Feelings are never wrong. You don’t always need to have a reason for feeling the way you do—sometimes you just feel. We are humans, the most complicated creature God made. It’s no wonder we get tangled up in our own knots from time to time.

In the words of my loving friend as she held me while I cried,

“It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay”

And it will be. But it make take a few more tears to make it clear and a couple more I’m not fine‘s to make everything truly and honestly fine.

Molly

“Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy.” Psalm 126:5

Song//Today Has Been Okay by Sleeping at Last